S-21 and the Killing fields

DANI BLOGS

S-21/THE KILLING FIELDS

TRIGGER/CONTENT WARNING:

The topics in this post may be too graphic for some readers, before sharing with younger people or reading yourself please note that this post will be talking about the genocide of about 1.5-3 million Cambodians. I will not be holding back details of what I saw that day because I believe it is important for this story to be shared. Please read with caution.

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S-21 was a school that was converted into a prison during the rule of Pol Pot from 1975-79. One afternoon in Phnom Penh I, along with a group of my squad mates took a tour. The first building I walked through was full of chalkboards covered with pictures of the victims the day they were brought to S-21. Each board had around 60-70 photos on both sides. I walked through room after room of men and women who did not yet know the horrors they were about to face. 

I was stopped in my tracks when I came upon a board full of adults except for the corner where there was a picture of a little boy who didn’t look much older than 4 years old. My throat tightened and I felt the room become very small. All of a sudden I could only think of all of the children that weren’t able to grow up and that made my heart drop. The next room I walked into, I saw a board full of young kids faces and I could no longer keep it together. I stood there looking at all the faces and I could feel a few tears fall down my face. 

As we kept walking we went into a building with old cells that only appeared to be 6 x 4 feet. In the second level of a building, we walked through rooms telling the history of the school before the Khmer Rouge took over and of the head people in charge of this prison. In this room there was a binder full of writing on the walls from around the compound, one was translated, “Good bye my life, this, Sam Chat was imprisoned [on] 1st August 1977 [I] lost my husbanding children, as bird losing its nest.” In the last room of this floor, there was a picture showing 300 skulls of victims killed here, they were forming a map of Cambodia. The text next to the photo said that some years ago the map itself was taken down and the skulls were still here in a glass case. 

The last building we entered had boards full of pictures, but this time the pictures depicted torture devices and how they were used. Along with the pictures were the devices themselves. I could feel my breathing getting heavier and heavier with every picture I saw of people completely beaten. I saw a man with his face bashed in, no longer could you make out any identifiable facial features. (I’ve seen some gory things while watching Criminal Minds but nothing could have prepared me for these images.) And little did I know that the last room was going to be the most shocking… 

The last room I walked into that day at S-21 had the cases of the skulls that used to make up the 129 square foot map of Cambodia. I didn’t take more than a step in the room before tears were streaming down my face, it was the hardest time I had breathing in those few hours, thinking of all of the lives taken so harshly. 

We left S-21 and headed 40 minutes out of town to location number 2 of the tour, the Killing Fields. 

The Killing Fields are sites around Cambodia that the Khmer Rouge used to execute the prisoners of S-21 and also people with ties to the government before the genocide began. These victims were typically killed with pickaxes to save on bullets. 

When my group got there, the first thing we saw was this very tall tower and like the last room in S-21, it was full from top to bottom of skulls. As we approached, there was a man selling incense and flowers for people to pay their respects before they went in. The man made it seem like it was required to do so before we entered so most of my team did. I opted to sit outside because I did not have enough cash to buy the flower and incense. I sat on a bench looking in with Nate and later Remy because she was the first to leave the tower as we were talking to the salesman, he told us that there was just under 9,000 skulls inside. As soon as he said that, my heart felt like it dropped to my stomach and again tears rolled down my cheeks. Once the rest of our group left the tower the man went to shut the main doors however, he noticed I was still looking and he told me that one of the side doors was still open so with all the strength I could gather, knowing how I may react, I walked up then steps, removed my shoes, and walked to the side of the tower. When I stepped inside and looked up at all the lifeless skulls before me, I began to sob and hyperventilate but I knew this was something I needed to see so I pressed on. 

On the glass of the massive case were signs that read “Male and Females age 40-60, 20-40, over 60, and under 20. The “under 20” was the hardest for me to look at. With tears in my eyes and all over my face I was crying to God and giving Him all the feelings that were overwhelming me. It was difficult to breathe. I left the tower after about 5 minutes and went back to the bench where Remy and Nate were waiting for me, since the rest of our group had gone ahead and continued the tour. 

When we began waking again we saw what used to be a mass grave that looked to be no bigger than a backyard swimming pool. We also walked along a trail that went around the perimeter of the property. As we walked, I thought, “It is beautiful here.” I found myself getting sad and almost angry at how beautiful it all was. There was so much anguish and torment endured here, it didn’t feel right for it to now be so beautiful. But as we walked I realized how that is exactly what God does, He makes beautiful things out of pain and He is the one who brings life from death.  

I am thankful for everything we saw and the emotions we experienced because I know myself. I tend to tune out difficult to digest subjects so that I don’t have to deal with the reality of the world. Before arriving I was worried that I would do the same here. But I didn’t. I felt all the feels, even the painful ones. 

I’m appreciative of the time we were given by our leadership to explore Phnom Penh and it’s history before going to Siem reap for ministry. I believe it truly has helped my squad and my perspective for the ones we are serving.

Thank you all so much for continually praying for me! 

Love Ya!

Dani<3